Today, I listened (again) to a song by a girl whose ex-boyfriend frequently approached her to borrow money yet he wasn’t there when she needed him. I thought about the implications. The song has many layers of complex messages. The most important one, of forgiveness, seems to have been lost on its (presumably) intended audience, the ex-boyfriend. I consider that a reflection on the audience, not the singer/songwriter.
The financial dynamic probably made her feel even worse yet — used, pressured, manipulated and not valued in the way she needed. I sympathize very much … it must have been very painful for her.
She also sang another song about taking marriage seriously, and then she got married (to someone other than the ex-boyfriend). I’m guessing she probably wasn’t hedging when she got married, hence no prenuptial arrangement, hence joint marital assets and a financial situation that’s complicated.
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Nowadays, close to three decades later, I get the sense she feels trapped. I always thought this was only due to emotional reasons but only recently did it occur to me that perhaps she’s also feeling trapped financially. What if she wanted to call someone and say “Take me with U” but she can’t contribute financially? It’s a hypothesis I can neither prove nor disprove.
I found it an interesting analysis to figure out how I, personally, would be able to assuage her concerns.
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I live within my means, and I would cover the bills, period … with medical & dental bills & insurance being an extra complexity I’d like to omit from this analysis, for reasons I can explain when the time comes.
For context: I used to have a thriving little business empire, and then in 2007/2008 my business revenue plummeted more than 80% within the span of 2 weeks. I almost went under. I still have a lot of business debt. I’m slowly paying it off. Meanwhile, I live frugally in a 2-bedroom apartment / house built in 1937, in a small town in northern Nevada. I like it but it’s no mansion. Part of why I like it is: it’s safe, I have no neighbors who complain about noise, and the rent is $500 a month. I have multiple cars, all 15 years old or more; typically two or three are insured and registered, at a time. I have no car payments. I eat frugally and live frugally. Life is fun by my standards, but it’s not due to extravagance.
I keep trying to grow my automotive business to make a lot of money. I still plan to have a Lamborghini and a mansion on a hill, but only when I’m able to buy them with cash that I earned.
My professional work as a senior software development nerd is what makes the most money. I have a flexible flexible schedule and I can work from home. It’s been this way for 15 years or so. I love the flexibility.
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So if this girl moved in with me, she wouldn’t need to bring her cash, checkbook or plastic, nor even her car. That should simplify things greatly.
For a place to sleep, I would offer her half of my queen-sized bed. I’d buy the groceries and I’d also enjoy making healthy meals for her too, most days. I’d cover the utility bills. I’d have an insured and registered extra car she could borrow. I’d furnish a phone and pay her phone bill. I have fast internet that she can use. If she needed a separate computer, I can provide one. If we went and did fun things, I’d pick up the tab. If she needed an extra room to make music and/or stash some personal items, I have one. As to clothing … it depends. If it’s a $2000 dress, then no — but I don’t think that’s her style anyway. But at a more humble but still-elegant level I’d enjoy buying clothes for her.
With this approach, her finances stay totally out of the picture. The dynamic holds even if my situation worsens. As long as I have a place to sleep, she can sleep next to me, and as long as I have food to eat, she can have half of it.
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I don’t know if she’ll ever come here to visit — or better yet, stay — but if money was thought to be a problem then I hope this analysis removes that concern.