I felt that today was a busy day. It’s been said (not by me, but I like it) that the unanalyzed life isn’t worth living., so here I sit with my last cup of coffee, right before bedtime at 3:30 a.m. Oh, wait, now it’s 4:45 a.m.
Coffee, in case you wonder, makes me sleepy. So, no worries there. I tend to fall asleep easily when I want to, and then I sleep 7 or 8 hours.
Perhaps with someone interesting in my bed that might change but my brilliant and lovely girlfriend lives more than half a continent away, and now is the time for a heavy focus on family, for her, so for now it’s a long-distance dynamic. I’m poly-amorous so for a while there were two, one local and one long-distance. That was nice. As of February, back to one.
On that subject, I’ve spent the last 18 months learning a lot about how my brain is wired and in part to prepare for the next girlfriend. (Part of attracting Miss Right is to BE Miss Right, for her). See, two is a good quantity of girlfriends for me, so the position of local girlfriend is currently vacant. I’ve been trying to become a lot more clear on whom I like, and why. It’s easy to focus on an individual who personifies much of what I like (and indeed, I have) but it’s important for me to extract and understand and apply the principles.
You might think that being a trans girl makes things complicated enough, but, there’s more. I’ve not asked to be diagnosed to see if I’m on the autism spectrum, and Aspergers has come and gone as a formal diagnosis. Whatever someone’s brain wiring is, that’s what it is, as in the condition exists independent of anyone’s diagnosis, but you can’t in 2017 go to a psychologist or psychiatrist and expect to get a diagnosis for Aspergers because their professional standards are in the official Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (a.k.a. DSM) and Aspergers is no longer in it.
I suspect that if that were different, I’d perhaps qualify for Aspergers especially if they had a thing such as Aspergers “lite.” I’m weird with numbers if a subject interests me. I still remember the 3-digit code from my bicycle lock at a time when Nixon was president. I remember the license plate on my mom’s car, which she had when Lyndon Johnson was president, and yes, I was around then. I’m about the same age as Gandalf the White in the Lord of the Rings movies. I still remember the phone number and student number of a girl I had a crush on when Jimmy Carter was president. I can recite for you the engine capacities of cars I find interesting. For example, the 1960s-and-on Alfa Romeo 2-liter engine has a capacity of 1962 cc, so less than 2 liters actually and I could go on and on. As to the history of cool things, like cars, I’m vastly interested. When bureaucrat A invaded country B, not so much.
I love complexity. When computers were first networked I loved creating an optimized library of software to enable that. That was when Ronald Reagan was president. I loved diving into the complexities of Bosch fuel injection when most other car geeks were running away from fuel injection, not toward it. I mastered the principles and the practice. Then, Microsoft brought out Windows NT and I fell in love with it. I bought many licenses to it, Server and Workstation, and I kept every box, so eventually I had boxes and boxes full of boxes of Windows NT. What an amazing operating system that is, and by the standards of the day, vastly complex. I loved it, and got to learn it well.
Nowadays I’m into Audi Quattros with the 40-valve 4.2 V8 engine. The most intimidating part of the car is its computer-controlled Porsche-designed transmission and the complex electrics, hydraulics and mechanical parts theirein, not least since it has two torque sensing differentials integral to the case, plus 5 speeds, plus overdrive, plus manual shift mode. I love working on these. I buy dead Audis and fix them up. I love poring over the spare parts catalogs and looking at all the details of the internals.
I manage, depending on how you count, seven or twenty businesses, on both sides of the Atlantic.
I love complexity. That includes complexity in girls. Eighteen months ago I noticed a girl who reminded me a lot of myself, as to how she seems socially very skilled and at ease, but I picked up a subtlety and started learning more about her. It’s been a deep and interesting rabbit-hole, which included compiling principles based on what I learned, and then applying them to current and new relationships with similarly-minded girls. I noticed patterns and started to refine how I deal with a certain subset of girls — girls like me, who (I’m guessing) are possibly somewhere on the autism spectrum. Vastly complex girls we are — but after a decade or so of adulthood we change from being a social ugly duckling to being a graceful social swan, able to read and work social situations well.
For example, yesterday and the day before, as in my most recent two visits to to the local Walgreens, several of the workers there know me by name, are happy to see me and chat with me at length. I care about what they have to say and I love being welcome, but it’s telling that I congratulated myself with “I SO have this social skills thing down by now.” That’s not something a typical person would think of saying. A typical person would blend and fit without effort. Me, and girls like me, we have to learn it.
Guys too, perhaps. I don’t know. I can’t think like a guy. As a trans girl, I was told to fit into guy culture, which I studied like a scientist studies a frog, so believe me, I tried. But, I still can’t think like a guy though I understand the guy thinking process as a structural unit. And yes, I’m generalizing but not much. So if I’m not gender inclusive in this article, that’s why. I can’t speak for guys, so I don’t try. Even so, if they shoe fits, wear it with my compliments.
So, that’s whom I most want in my life: complex cerebral girls as friends or more (not too many in the latter category, two girlfriends is where I’d like to max it out). To be welcome a girl doesn’t have to be in the autism spectrum as a prerequisite but it would help.
I used to have a girlfriend who was manic depressive (not my opinion, hers from a formal diagnosis). She was, of course, brilliant. To be precise, “manic” doesn’t mean crazy, it means ultra-high-energy. Then, as high as that was, then there was an equally deep low, and these things cycle quite slowly.
I see a similarity to myself, but I only seem to be the first half. I seem to be high-energy but somehow it seems sustained.
The last “down” I had was in 2013 and that’s when my life was, figuratively, in the toilet. I went from living in a nice 2-story condo by the lake in a nice neighborhood in Reno, and driving a nice almost-new retractable-hardtop Mercedes-Benz convertible, to where there was a very strong possibility that I’d be living in my 1992 Ford van, and no, it didn’t have a heater or reverse gear in that time-frame nor did I have money to fix it, and it was winter — which in northern Nevada can get into the single digits, and I mean Fahrenheit. I was so broke that I once went into a gas station and put down $2 to buy fuel. That’s all I had. There was a good chance that this would not suffice and I’d have to walk home the last 10 miles or so, along a rural Nevada desert road. Times were hard, and hell yes, I was depressed. I advised my lovely, brilliant live-in girlfriend at the time that the Titanic was sinking as a matter of simple predictive math. I begged her to leave for her own good. At first she chose to stay with me but once the lower decks were under water, she left and prudently so, with “I’m giving up on you” as the theme song of the break-up.
So, here I am, almost four years later, in generally good shape and good spirits with better finances, slowly but steadily paying back my business debt, and figuring out who and what I am, and whom I’m attracted to and why. In many ways my ideal would be if Miss X dialed my number and said “I’m interested, let’s talk” and we click and she ends up gracing my life and bed henceforth, but she might or might not ever choose to make contact, with everything that implies.
Meanwhile my ability to spot, befriend and more-than-befriend cerebral shy girls has become highly refined, so if Miss X never calls, life will go on. I like that. I like that I’m able to understand the most complex type of girl, cerebral shy girls. I like that I can explain such a girl to herself, and comfort her and help her understand that if she’s at her core a social misfit with typical people, that doesn’t mean they’re better than she is. In fact, her way of thinking might well make the world a much nicer place if everyone thought as she did.
Anyway, so, here’s how my day, was, today. Other people who feature (dramatis personae):
- My software client M
- My software client D
- My software client T
- My friend J (socially shy, also on the spectrum, I suspect)
- My friend M, who helps me research car part specifics in my classic business
- My friend R who helps me repair stuff
- My friend K (socially shy, also on the spectrum, officially)
- My friend N (probably also on the spectrum, she and I think) and also my part-time admin assistant
- My software client and friend MJ
- My chess buddy J who’s lonely
- Cerebral shy girl S (not her only role as to my focus but let’s leave it at that)
- My fellow software developer, S (not her only role in my life but let’s leave it at that)
So in no particular order, what I did:
Dealt with a crash of my software, emailed my software client M
Did 4 long-duration stomach vacuum ab exercises
Did 30 crunches
Did 3 butt-shaping exercise sets
Restarted a production software process that was down, emailed my software client D
Replied to email from my friend J
Replied to email from my friend M
Looked into Swift Mail forwarding, determined status
Basically, for my British limited company, when they get local mail then I need whoever gets it to mail it to me here in the US , and they charge for it, so I needed to make sure that service was paid up and active.
Emailed Swift to confirm status
Checked on my British tax status
Whoops, I’m behind. I owe them money.
Tried to pay my British taxes, US debit card refused
Called my bank re inability to pay British taxes
Made an appointment with my banker for international bank transfer
Thanked my software client T for outage notification
Thanked someone on an automotive forum for being nice to me
Processed pictures from my Monterey road trip
Friendly communications with my long-distance girlfriend
Posted road trip report and pictures on an automotive forum (marketing)
Played online chess with my chess buddy J
Comforted my chess buddy J who’s feeling lonely
Realized that online chess might cheer up someone else who might feel lonely
Invited cerebral shy girl S to chess
Dealt with blocking trolls on social media
Posted picture and tweet about Jaguar
Posted windsurfing-spot picture of me
Posted Dominatrix tweet with pun on “submission” of taxes
Followed up with software client T on a report I’d sent him
Skimmed half a dozen car forum posts to see if I can add value
Got dressed in elegant business outfit: striped top, pencil skirt
Picked up the mail at my car business
Paid the internet provider bill at my office
Deposited a software client payment
Emailed my brilliant fellow software developer, S re module name changes
Did grocery shopping
Bought a rake
Raked my parking spot
Responded to an inquiry for a rare transmission part
Wrote a tech article
Chatted with my neighbor
Aired out the spare parts room
Sat under the stars and drank coffee & ate fruit
Swapped friendly emails with my mom
Placed an order for fuel injection service
Coordinated removal and prep of fuel injectors
Dealt with the alarm system
Worked with my friend R as to repairs on my Ford van
Listened to rock music with R at my shop
Looked at a sexy music video R wanted to show me
Chatted with my R about life
Made the financial statements for the British company for the year
Filed the accounts with British Company’s House
Prepared the British income tax return and filed it
Went to the bank, did an international funds transfer to pay the British taxes
Made a design document for my software client T
Created and tested a module as per the design document
Announced the module for walk-through
Comforted my friend K in morning; she had a rough morning
Comforted my friend K in evening; still sad about her rough morning
Comforted my friend K late at night, still sad about her rough morning
Read about floods in Houston
Evaluated possible ways to help
Read about new author
Read BrainPickings article
Dealt with helping my friend K move out West
Swapped friendly emails with my banker
Deleted Tweets that I figure by now the intended one-person audience has seen
Checked on Facebook
Checked on my friend MJ who’s glum and struggling
Cleaned up the billable hours
Made invoices for the week
Sent off the invoice for the week
Sent another friendly email to MJ
Coordinated with someone who wants to get his Audi transmission rebuilt
Planned my 4,000 mile round trip road trip in helping my friend K relocate
Looked into rental car options for a one-week rental
Mapped out the driving distances, chose dates and stops
Booked a hotel for each of 7 nights
Announced the schedule to K
Made a nice omelette for breakfast
Drank 6 cups of coffee
Drank 6 bottles or cans of water
Ate 7 pieces of fresh fruit or veggies
Took out the trash
Cleaned front room of cobwebs
Got rid of stale bug glue trap
Put on makeup (eyebrow pencil)
Listened to 1991 album by cerebral shy girl S
Pondered the implications of the lyrics specific to when she was disappointed in a relationship, singing “here’s that pain in all it colors”
Pondering how her relationship expectations might have changed since then
Pondering how I would fit with such relationship expectations and not disappoint
Did voice exercises
Coordinated with my friend and admin assistant N
Coordinated with my friend K as to which car to rent
Planned future cash flow
Planned how to pay bills while on the road
Transferred money between accounts
Paid for fuel injector service
Looked at pictures of my butt and figured out how to improve it
Looked at sexy pictures of a girl whose look I like
Noticed a sexy and unusual bikini in a picture and tried to figure out how to make it
Relocated my car to the correct parking spot
… and wrote this article. Long day. The picture is from 2 weeks ago but it kind of shows how I felt today.