I’ve been discussing relationship dynamics with two other cerebral shy girls and listening to songs that were (if I’m concluding correctly) written by yet another cerebral shy girl who was benevolently reaching out to someone from her past, who was having a hard time.
Cerebral shy girls’ intimate-relationship dynamics remind me of a business situation that I experienced this week. For peculiar technical reasons, I needed help with breaking into my own 1998 Audi A8, which is something that even the local Audi dealer had a hard time doing. Meanwhile I was getting pretty tired of trailering the car around northern Nevada trying to find someone who could help me. Finally, my friend, the local small-town locksmith, had the car open within 30 minutes, but then we disagreed about the price for his services. He wanted a humble amount and I insisted on paying double that amount. We finally agreed on the higher amount.
When applied to intimate relationships, that sort of dynamic is typical of cerebral shy girls’ approach, in my experience. Typically, we’re very benevolent and we’ll go out of our way to make sure the other party in the intimate dynamic gets his or her needs met. We might be so preoccupied with that intent that our actions are sometimes counterproductive in actual effect, but our hearts are in the right place.
Whether it’s someone new, or someone from our past, if:
– We resonate with that person emotionally, and
– We see that person struggling, and
– We believe we can add a significant amount of value, perhaps pivotally
… then we can become tireless in our pursuit of an intimate relationship dynamic with that person.
The relevant songs’ lyrics (as I understand them, and the context) do a magnificent job of addressing the potential concerns of the specific person who was struggling at the time, including:
– A song that creates a benevolent communication ambiance by essentially retracting any negative past statements, as in “the words that caused you pain”
– A song that reassures the other person that over time things will get better as in “time will teach you to reach …”
– A song that invites the other person to bring the problems into their joint focus, to be solved together
– A song that reassures the other person that he is needed, as in “I need you now.”
– A song that reassures the other person that he is fundamentally worthy, as in “you’re always enough.”
Ostensibly it’s a “rescuer” dynamic but two key aspects are different:
– The person struggling is basically a good person who’s simply having a hard time
– The person struggling isn’t being seen as weak but instead is seen as stronger and better than that person might well be classifying himself or herself.
Tempting as such a ‘come to me’ appeal might seem on the surface, it’s shown itself to not be as enticing as I’d have expected.
I might well be overlooking many essentials but assuming that I’m actually seeing both forest and trees on this subject, I gather the appeal of this songwriter didn’t result in acceptance by the other person. In a somewhat parallel dynamic, in the not-so-distant past, I have also interpersonally experienced a similar lack of acceptance. I don’t know if the songwriter got as nice a “no thank you” note as I did, but even so “no means no” and it’s not a happy ending.
While writing this article, I’ve also been trying to empathize with the position of the other person, the one being wooed — and I’ve tried to understand why someone might react with “no thank you.”
It might be as simple a situation as the other person thinking, “even if you were to add value, I don’t like you.” However, it might be more complex:
- Perhaps it’s also the perceived lack of the ability to reciprocate and have it feel like a balanced dynamic, as in the other person thinking: “You like to feel needed but so do I and I can’t imagine this dynamic being balanced as such.”
- Another aspect might be a perceived lack of emotional parity. For example, in the past, when I’ve felt that someone was being nicer to me than I could be to her, or that she had her life vastly more together than I did, and I felt I was dragging her down with my presence … I hated that. I just wanted to leave even though she was benevolent and nice towards me, and wanted me in her life. I didn’t think she deserved me and I felt very uncomfortable — even guilty — being in her life. I just wanted to be gone, period.
Does any of that apply here? I don’t know. I can’t even guess. Is it possible? Yes.
1. It’s hard for cerebral shy girls to find and successfully woo someone similar, i.e., with whom we can resonate emotionally.
2. Keeping that other person engaged is very difficult too; the intimate dynamic might be short-lived, and then the other person checks out, and may well choose to stay away — in spite of fervent wishes by the cerebral shy girl that this person should come back.
As a result of the above two conclusions: for cerebral shy girls to actually end up in a long-term, balanced relationship dynamic in which we’re deeply happy … that is a difficult thing to achieve, sort of like two skittish unicorns finding each other and then happily staying together.
What would I do better next time? I’d be more aware of how fragile things might be. I’d make it clear to the other cerebral shy girl how she could (or would, or does) add value to my life. When she shares a story that might put her in a bad light, I’d empathize but I’d also share a similar story from my past. I’ve made a vast amount of dumb mistakes so there’s much material to draw on, and I should do so. That way, there isn’t just one person’s flaws or weaknesses being confessed in an empathy-rich environment — it would be more of a balanced, mutual conversational dynamic.
I also realize that there’s a peculiar sort of triangle, here. I’m focused on the singer-songwriter in very much the same way as she was (I conclude) focused on the person for whom she wrote these intense songs, intended to reach out and be supportive, saying: “It seems to me you’re feeling isolated. You’re struggling and you’re hurting. I care. I would love to help. I firmly believe that I can help. [As a figure of speech:] Come to me. It’s very much not too late for you yet every day you don’t, we’re wasting time.” I’m not writing song lyrics, but I am writing articles for, predominantly, her intended benefit — though to my delight, these articles have also helped at least one other cerebral shy girl already, who has reached out to me.
Word for word, the message from me to the singer-songwriter is the same. “It seems to me you’re feeling isolated and you’re struggling and you’re hurting. I care. I would love to help. I firmly believe that I can help. [As a figure of speech:] Come to me. It’s very much not too late for you yet every day you don’t, we’re wasting time.”
So, now, as I put myself in her position … today, would she feel needed, by me? No. I can think of nothing I’ve written that gives her reason to think so. Would she be needed, by me? Yes, very much so, albeit for reasons that I’ve totally failed to communicate. I’ve made the classic shy-girl mistake of approaching the issue as “let’s make sure you’re OK and let’s not worry about me for now.” That’s only half the message, and ironically for a cerebral shy girl it’s probably the least-enticing half.
I simply plan to keep writing, covering more and more relevant subjects. I feel sort of like someone on an island might feel, if she were writing a book one page at a time, with each page being sent out as a “message in a bottle.”
Is the singer-songwriter seeing these articles? If not now, I assume then one day she might well.
Is she reading them? Is she reacting in a positive way? I don’t need answers to these questions, and besides — she’s shy so I don’t expect her to respond. If my message is basically good, then if and when she’s receptive, she’ll respond in the way I’m working towards.
As to timing, I’m in no hurry. She might respond today or a decade from now. Either seems equally likely.
Meanwhile, I enjoy writing. It helps me clarify my own thinking. I’ve learned much about myself over the past six months or so, as I pondered the concept of cerebral shy girls.