Cerebral Shy Girls and BDSM

gggIMAG9359B Cerebral shy girls tend to consider the glass to be half empty as opposed to half full, when it comes to our self-image and social interaction.

We tend to be very self-aware, which in our case means: acutely aware of every flaw we have. The awareness amplifies it, so even if many people are falling all over themselves to tell a cerebral shy girl that she looks great, it typically goes into the “that’s nice and I’m smiling but I don’t agree” file.

For example, someone wonderful has repeatedly assured me that my legs look nice and my idea of being extra open with her was to not quietly reject her opinion but to reject it by arguing back that my thighs are too muscular, my feet are too big, and I don’t like my knees.

The general populace might be surprised how many of us cerebral shy girls are brilliant and attractive individuals, on pure merit — yet we consider ourselves to be unappetizing, perhaps even broken and unfit for human interaction, socially and/or sexually.

Our hair, face, boobs, tummy, butt and legs are all candidates for self-criticism, and so is how we move. As to “how we move” — as a trans girl, I needed to unlearn trying to walk like the guy I was pretending to be and learn how to walk like the girl I am. My bone structure was not all that helpful in this endeavor, since I went through puberty with male hormones, darn it. Walking as the girl I am has been an awkward learning process, for me. Until recently, I have been very self-conscious about my gait. Walking is so basic a human activity that this helped worsen whatever social anxiety I had. I’m sort of extra-weird as cerebral shy girls go, being a trans girl and all, but probably I’m not the only cerebral shy girl unable to sashay along in a way where she gives herself a warm glow of confidence.

Then, there’s the problem of talking. Cerebral shy girls’ observations might well be the best ones in the entire conversation, but her problem is: finding a gap in the traffic. By the time that a cerebral shy girl has her polished gem of intellectual contribution ready to merge into the conversation, the opportunity might well have passed. Sometimes, the sufficiently polished words aren’t even ready for delivery until the conversation or the entire gathering has ended. The German word “Treppenwoerter” translates to “step words.” They refer to the brilliant conversational contributions that occur to cerebral folks belatedly, when walking down the steps where a meeting was held (key point: was, as in, now it’s over and it’s too late).

Scars, stretch marks and unusual proportions are other aspects about which the cerebral shy girl might be painfully self-conscious yet even if she were to point the “flaw” out to someone else, the person might well have to squint and really focus to even see what the issue is. Often when a partner accepts the “flaw” of the cerebral shy girl, that’s a fast track to her heart (romantically speaking).


Sexuality might be something we crave as cerebral shy girls, perhaps more than most. Possible reasons:

a) Inherently since we ARE so intense
b) Because (being shy) we tend to be under quota as to the sexuality we’d like to get vs. how much we’re actually getting.

By “sexuality” I’m not limiting the concept to mechanical sex; kissing the right person can be vastly hotter than an entire evening of being humped by a dolt.

Another problem: wanting to be sexual doesn’t mean we’re savvy as to how to socially break the ice. Go buy and watch the 1987 “Allnighter” movie for a good example of a high-quality cerebral shy girl brimming with sexuality and yet unsure of how to proceed.

To sum it up: all of these concerns together makes for a girl eager for sexuality but she feels awkward about how she looks, moves and/or converses plus she might not know how to proceed socially and/or sexually.


Let’s take a quick detour to the world of formal etiquette. Much of the protocol is actually intended to make life easier.

Remember the “which fork do I use” scene in the movie “Pretty Woman?” Really, the process is typically as simple as “start on the outside and work your way inwards.”

Another example: putting your fork and knife (yes, knife) together tells the waiter “it’s OK to remove my plate now” whereas leaving them crossed conveys “not yet.” It all makes sense, and it makes things easier.

For this reason, a good Dominatrix will teach her protege about BDSM protocol, and then the latter will feel her stress level plummet. Many BDSM rules fit so well as to making things easier for cerebral shy girls that it’s almost like they were designed for that.

Reducing Stress, Making Things Nicer Visually

For starters, a good Dominatrix would have a very clear picture of the aspects about which her protege feels awkward.

Having been much exposed to male culture, I’m well aware that the classic male-culture approach to the concerns of a cerebral shy girl is to be dismissive thereof or to argue with her about them — or to say things that make her feel ridiculous about being self-conscious. That’s a horrible approach.

With gentle and open dialog, the Dominatrix would be aware of the parts of her physique that her protege feels awkward about.

If it’s her tummy, the Dominatrix might dress up her protege in a lovely corset so that the girl’s tummy is pulled in and invisible — while making very sure it’s not too tight, and monitoring her protege throughout the event to make sure she’s OK.

If, as I was until Mother Nature belatedly made my boobs grow, she is self-conscious about being less curvy than she wants to be, chest-wise, then sports bras and bra stuffers can do wonders. It might be fun for the protege to feel, for once, what it is like to have every male in the room not look her in the eyes.

If she’s short and she wants to experience being tall, 6″ stilettos can do wonders as such. Suddenly the 5’1″ girl is 5’7″ … a very different look.

If she doesn’t have much of a butt, she might wear a mini-skirt that flares out.

The Dominatrix would also be aware of what the girl considers to be her strengths. If she has shapely legs, she might wear some variation of fishnet or more-elegant stockings to show them off. If she has a cute butt, she might wear just a thong or tight-fitting clothing thereabouts.

Good packaging is a large part of product presentation, and socially the Dominatrix is enabling her protege to feel as sexy as she possibly can. The focus is on how the protege feels about things. For example, even if she has a cute butt but she doesn’t think so, then the scene gets planned on the premise that she doesn’t have a cute butt. Boosting her self-confidence as to her butt might be a good agenda item for the future, but not by showcasing something she doesn’t like about herself.

Reducing Stress, Making Things Nicer Behaviorally

Cerebral shy girls tend to fidget, slouch, flash brilliant smiles while feeling nervous, and wonder with whom to make eye contact, and then wonder what to do if someone looks at her or says something — or she feels that she needs to say something and might not know what to say.

Good BDSM protocol to the rescue … a good Dominatrix might task her protege with holding a riding crop between her teeth, and holding another riding crop above her head with both hands, and looking up (which also shows off her eyes in the light, very nicely).

In this example, the protocol solves problems:

  • Fidgeting becomes impossible
  • Posture is managed well
  • The girl can’t smile in her typical way
  • She can’t make eye contact with anyone nor see who’s looking at her
  • She can’t speak with anyone.

Even though she’s in an ostensibly more awkward situation, psychologically she’s not: Suddenly many of her social anxiety problems have vanished.


The stereotypical superficial BDSM image is where someone puts a collar and leash on the girl and yanks her around. I personally don’t like doing that.

In the example above, I’d rather walk next to my protege, my palm in the small of her back, guiding her as to where to walk and at what pace, and continually updating her as to admiring looks that she’s getting.

Another benefit of this: if she doesn’t think she moves sexily, things get slowed down so much that she can focus on putting one foot in front of the other at a pace where she feels in control, not overwhelmed. She can focus on walking elegantly, if that’s what she wants to do.

Cerebral shy girls tend to value emotional closeness and physical contact, so a Dominatrix who stays in constant contact with her protege would make for a much nicer event.


The safety and well-being of her protege must be the main focus of the Dominatrix, so when there are any stairs to be navigated, the protege can stay in protocol but the process of walking must be slowed down even more, to where she can feel out, and take, each step ultra-slowly and safely.

The Dominatrix should at that point be right next to her protege with her arm so firmly around the girl’s waist, ready to hold her up, that a misstep will have zero impact on the girl’s safety and even about her feeling like it was a social faux pas.


Assuming the Dominatrix and her protege arrive at a play area where they’ll spend some time, it might be awkward for the girl to continue looking up especially if the girl won’t be standing all the time, so blindfolding helps alleviate much social anxiety too. Again: protocol is useful.


In good BDSM protocol, bystanders don’t talk to my protege. If they violate the rules and talk to her directly, she’s instructed to ignore them, plus I’ll correct them.

They only get to talk to me about her, including complimenting her. This can have good side benefits: for one of my proteges, the hottest part of a scene was being spoken about as objectified sexually, instead of being spoken to.


This blog is supposed to be bland, so I’ll leave it to the imagination of the reader to develop the concept of how a well-structured dynamic can continue into sexually themed activities where the protege is always clear on what do to next and never feels put “on the spot.”

That said, one of the worst things you can do to a cerebral shy girl is to bore her, so a good Dominatrix needs to pace things so that they are neither too fast nor too slow.


By now we’ve probably all heard awkward stories of brides who try on new makeup or hairdos or shoes on their wedding day, and instead of things being extra special they often end up being awkward.

For similar reasons, it’s good if the Dominatrix and her protege practice the relevant aspects long before a formal BDSM event, almost like a band would rehearse to be ready for a concert.

That includes walking on the actual shoes to be worn, holding a riding crop in her teeth (people do drool), wearing a corset, and so on.

More-Harsh Play

This article is for the beginner level. Sometimes a protege might crave the structure being optimized very differently. Example: if she is self-conscious about something (such as her boobs) she might actually find it cathartic to be shown off topless, for once. Some girls even relish their “flaws” being pointed out for once, such as by holding a sign that draws attention to the “flaw. ”

Other girls might find it hot to be disempowered by having her hands tied (which is best NOT done while she’s walking, especially down stairs or on stilettos).

Other girls might find it hot to be publicly humiliated such as by holding a riding crop between her teeth for so long that she starts to drool (and it’s good to plan what she’ll be drooling on).

My point is that BDSM can be lightweight and enjoyable at a simple level or it can go deeper and deeper into the girl’s sexual psyche for, quite possibly, the most intense experiences of her life.

* * *

If you have any questions or nice comments, please feel free to contact me by leaving a comment. They don’t show publicly unless I choose to make them show, and I try to exercise good judgement as to what I show vs. not. For example, if you provide your contact information as a prelude to a more-detailed Q&A, I would of course not make that public.


Integrity, Burning Man, and the Sleeping Beauty Series

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[This article might be more enjoyable if you first read my article about the Sleeping Beauty series by A.N. Roquelaure (a.k.a. Anne Rice). That article is illustrated with a racy picture but no more explicit nudity than you’d see at a public swimming pool.]

An Open-Minded Girl Disappointed with Dull, Staid People

My personal copy of the first book in the Sleeping Beauty series was given to me as a present by another cerebral shy girl with whom I was in a wonderful and intense romance-and-friendship dynamic.  The romantic aspect ceased several years ago, but we’re still friends.

This article is also being written today in the same week as the famed Burning Man festival is being held, not too far from the northern Nevada community where I live. The girl who gave me the book had personally gone to the Burning Man festival a few years ago. Our friendship was (and is) such that if she was (or is) unhappy then she was (and is) always welcome to come and visit me, and vent.  After returning from the festival, she did just that. What bothered her the most was how compartmentalized the lifestyle was.  People would go to Burning Man, be wild and free, and then go back to living the other 51 weeks of the year in a dull, staid way that made the contrast so stark that the people seemed hypocritical to her. This bothered her greatly. She was upset but in a broad way, disappointed at mankind in general.

There was some irony in that venting-and-listening scenario since she’d shown up when I was feeling quite sexy, had just done some or other nude photo shoot or nude webcam show, and was enjoying that same dress code even while listening to my friend venting. Also, she and I were at the time creatively working together for my custom software business, making some very cool things. I’m also a free-market girl, poly-amorous and an atheist — so my everyday life happens to personify many of the principles that people celebrate at the Burning Man festival.

Even as recently as today, when someone nice asked me if I was going to the 2016 Burning Man festival, I smiled and replied that my everyday life is basically one continuous Burning Man festival.

So, much as I agreed with my friend that mankind could use some more consistency in pursuing its open-mindedness and living life to the fullest, I do try to lead by example.

Integrity as to Living in Full Color

However, there might be an even better example, and this article gives her some “kudos” as such.

Much as I like what she did, I’m not explicitly identifying her. I’m trying to be subtle enough so that she, and those who appreciate her, can recognize the events and get a warm feeling about her actions while the clueless can continue being clueless. If you know whom I’m writing about, great — but even so, I suggest focusing on the principles since there’s much to learn as such.  She’s certainly interesting as a person, but this article isn’t mainly about her. Rather, it’s about what we can learn from pondering her actions.

To be more specific: I learn more about myself as I learn more about girls like me. One of the musicians whose work and Twitter feed I follow, for that reason, is also a cerebral shy girl, and she’s the personal-integrity example in this article.

I like her music mainly due to the lyrics of her songs. She writes about real life — her thoughts and her experiences, with an emphasis on romantic relationships.  Her words are intense and stark, which is part of why I like her work so much.  I’ve never met her but if I do, I’d want to meet the quiet, intense, actual, real person who wrote the lyrics rather than the charming rock star public persona who sings the songs in front of large, adulating audiences.

Although one has to read between the lines sometimes, she says much in interviews and in her Twitter posts. Besides, much of her life is reported in various articles. So, there’s much context available in which to understand what she’s saying in her lyrics — and why.

A Match with the Plot of the Sleeping Beauty Series, up to a Point

I concluded recently that she happens to be, in essence, the walking personification of Sleeping Beauty in a vital part of the erotic book series.

I gather that she was generally passed by romantically, sexually etc. in high school. Even though she had a boyfriend in college and dated various people in early adulthood, I get the impression that she was generally more regarded as sweet, cute, charming etc. than being taken as seriously as she deserves, as to the core of who she fundamentally is, as a woman. This article shows the mindset she’s probably been up against. How she was treated in life early on suggests some overlap with the presumed sexual innocence of Sleeping Beauty.

The musician has a slight stature and slender physique that make her look younger than she chronologically is. These factors, and her personal demeanor,  perhaps confused many people into overlooking the fact that every inch and pound of her is 100% pure adult woman, sex drive and all — and being taller or heavier wouldn’t have made her any more fundamentally sexual.

I’m guilty of a related error of thinking myself. This is not my first article in which I mention her, and I have referred to her as “the little brunette” in some of my other articles. By calling her “little,” this already starts things down the wrong mental path. She is a woman, period. As to her weight, stature and shape, how sweet a person she is, and how charming a public persona she has — those are all irrelevant to the central point.

As I understand historical events, she ends up in a very intense romantic dynamic with someone who treats her with candor, closeness and intensity. I also get the impression from her subsequent lyrics that there was much negativity in the relationship too.  Even so, the benefit of being treated as a real person in a candid, romantic, sexual, emotionally close dynamic is what she craved and got.

Her subsequent lyrics mention that even if she was lied to and was being hurt, she’d tolerate that as long as the other person stayed involved and committed to her. Even though she and her romantic partner seem to be very different types of people, the two of them did have a mutually focused intensity. The other person even moved in with her — but then they broke up. As I understand things, she wanted him back, but he remained distant.

Having experienced this closeness, the contrast makes her feel more alone and lonely than ever before. Her subsequent lyrics, presumably focused on the post-breakup period, mention how she meets a stranger somewhere — perhaps a club or a bar since the man is drinking Irish whisky.  The lyrics describe how she’s trying to figure him out but she’s not all that picky as to whether he’s brilliant or not. She IS focused on his lips, that she wishes would be kissing her. Her focus on wanting to be kissed shows a desire for sexuality and emotional closeness, both.

Even so, in real life she experiences a dearth of either or both of these, and it has her emotionally spiraling down to where she feels lonely and unattractive. Her lyrics describe the evening when all that changed, when she met someone who personified a kind-prince-to-the-rescue in a great many ways. As far as I can infer, the real-life guy is much nicer and better a person than the prince in the Sleeping Beauty story, who sort-of-rescues her but he is neither kind nor consensual.

Assuming that people are simple and two-dimensional, the musician and her new romantic partner live happily ever after, and that’s the end of the story.

Being Polyamorous

This is probably a good time to remind the reader that being polyamorous doesn’t mean being promiscuous or a swinger or having threesomes. It simply means that someone has a brain structure capable of romantically loving more than one person at the same time. In my experience, I see a high correlation between girls being cerebral and shy (i.e., having more complex brains) and being polyamorous (i.e., being structurally equipped to love multiple people simultaneously).

This girl certainly qualifies. Her album, published a few short years after settling down with her new romantic partner, makes it clear that she has strong romantic feelings for him, while the lyrics also show more-subtly that she still has strong romantic feelings for the preceding romantic partner. I’m not implying that the feelings were identical or equal since the two men, and the two respective dynamics, seemed very different, almost opposites.  I’m just saying she was mentally capable of starting to love one person without first having to stop loving the previous person. It’s sort of like modern Web browsers: multiple tabs can be open at the same time, each fully functioning.

As a quick personal aside, I relate to the new partner’s situation. I was in a relationship with a cerebral, shy, polyamorous girl who loved me and yet hadn’t stopped loving someone else from a few years before, an ocean away. At some point, the previous person wooed her again, and she became unclear as to where she’d rather be. I suggested she choose the other person, go explore and then come back if she decided she wanted to be with me instead. She left, came back, and we subsequently lived happily together in an intense romance for the next seven years, and we are still friends even though the romance ended twenty years ago.

A Match with the Plot of the Sleeping Beauty Series, New Plan

To quote from my other article:

One of the most critical points in the plot is where the heroine (a cerebral shy girl with intense sexuality) has the opportunity to experience being royalty, being pampered, being married to a prince and so on. The reader can almost envision the cartoon-style “no thanks” and “screw that” think bubbles above her head as she intentionally commits a crime that gets her sentenced to be an intensely-used long-term sex slave, instead. The prince is heartbroken, but she’s very much not.

As to the musician: Her life at the time was reflecting the result of decades of being accommodating, mainstream and respectable — personally and professionally. She was about as non-controversial a public figure as I can imagine a rock star being. To the casual observer, she seems meek and mild. However, this is a girl who values relationship intensity and who liked (and probably still likes) the attitude of the Sex Pistols, a rock band that (to put it mildly) personifies “rock the boat.”

However, if my interpretation of her lyrics is correct, then almost two decades after the story was supposed to have ended, there’s a plot twist. She sees the opportunity to reshape her life to be more consistent with her core values, and she makes the same sort of choice that Sleeping Beauty does.

This is not a novel concept for her.  Some years ago, she starred in a movie. Quite possibly, the  movie reflects her own values since her mom made the movie, and there seems to be much overlap between the life, style and value of the main character and that of the musician, as a person. In the movie, the main character diligently tries to make a particular relationship dynamic work, and when that stalls, she chooses someone else as an alternative — an exciting and adventurous one.  She pursues that option with commendable verve and aplomb.  Quite possibly, the album was the real-life equivalent of precisely that.

Even though it might seem to be a development that’s hard to reconcile with everything else in her life, it’s a good fit with whom I understand her to be, at the core of her being. She decides to be true to herself, and she proceeds. She chooses excitement and intensity, in a way analogous to how Sleeping Beauty chooses. She communicates her decision in an intense and brilliantly artistic way, in a solo album. Even so, she’s subtle about it. Someone clueless could totally interpret the lyrics superficially.  Then again, perhaps I am the clueless person, reading too much into the lyrics — but I don’t think so.

In a subsequent interview about the album, the musician talks about the emotion that she put into these songs, and how she likes 1960s music for being unabashedly emotional, then states, as to the 60s: “It’s just a very special period of time when people weren’t afraid to wear their heart on their sleeves … that music was just unabashedly emotional and that’s kind of  what I was going for, with this.”

Taking her at her word, she succeeded. However, this album might also be a message to someone, an opening move in a relationship-dynamic game of chess. The person could respond, and if he responded in a particular way, she’d end up in the sort of dynamic she wanted.

Since she’s intelligent, I suspect she also figured out how to reconcile that with whatever and whomever else was already also part of her life — though I also understand that sometimes we have to work out the details as we go along. It might be as simple as saying “I’m polyamorous and living accordingly.”  In such a context, starting a relationship doesn’t first require ending a previous relationship. It can all be very clean and open.

That’s the sort of integrity that I’m writing about – choosing to live life in a way where one is being true to one’s own deepest core values, first and foremost. With healthy values, this means: living life to the fullest, planning it out, and moving towards experiencing its intensity even if that includes the potential for getting hurt.

Perhaps a good analogy is the weather of Las Vegas. I don’t live there; I live 400 miles north of there. But the day before yesterday, I was in Las Vegas. In the morning, it was intensely hot. Then, at 3 p.m. there was an intense rainstorm, then thunder and lightning, then a lovely sky that made for the sunset shown in the above picture.  A contrast to that is the weather of Los Angeles, which tends to be much more bland and pleasant.  I chose to live a life with a Las Vegas weather pattern.  So, at the crucial juncture, did this musician.

As I understand the events since she made that decision, and album, and relationship-dynamic first move, the other person didn’t respond as he ideally should have, and so Plan A didn’t work.  Even so, she remains the same intelligent, intense and passionate person at her core.  This means that the failure of Plan A is a setback, not a total defeat. Our success is driven by who and what we are, long-term, so things bode well for her.

As I understand her lyrics: when she felt sad and isolated twenty-five years ago, she also felt old and didn’t feel pretty — a combination of negatives that doesn’t help a shy girl’s self-confidence. Yet, she overcame that low point. She didn’t just sit and wait for someone to come and rescue her, either. She made the effort to go out and meet someone socially, even though she felt socially anxious and intimidated at the prospect, and even though she wondered whether she’d be able to conduct a conversation. In spite of her concerns, she proceeded. As a result, many good things happened in her life.

Nowadays, she is once again making comments that suggest she’s feeling old and not pretty, and there are other indications that she’s also feeling sad and isolated. I sympathize. Even so, I also expect that sooner or later, she’ll regain her momentum. She’ll broaden her vision and she will focus on the lifestyle she wants, not just one past personification thereof — and she’ll overcome this low point. She won’t just sit and wait for someone to come and rescue her this time, either. She’ll make the effort to reach out in the direction where she suspects good things to be, even though this time it might be online instead of heading east on Sunset Blvd., and even if she feels old and naive at the very same time, and even if she feels socially anxious and intimidated at the prospect.  As a result, many more good things are likely to happen in her life, and she’ll probably experience the intensity that she was pursuing.

I’m cheering her on. She deserves to be happy.

[There are probably vast tracts of historical information missing in how I understand her story — I humbly apologize for that, and any incorrect conclusions based thereon. Also, song lyrics are open to interpretation and misinterpretation. Hence, caveat lector — and if anything herein puts her in a bad light, please assume I’m mistaken.]


The Sleeping Beauty Series


For cerebral shy girls, the Sleeping Beauty series of A.N. Roquelaure (a.k.a. Anne Rice) is often mandatory bookshelf material. The sexuality is ultra-steamy.

One of the most critical points in the plot is where the heroine (a cerebral shy girl with intense sexuality) has the opportunity to experience being royalty, being pampered, being married to a prince, and so on. The reader can almost envision the cartoon-style “no thanks” and “screw that” think bubbles above her head as she intentionally commits a crime that gets her sentenced to be an intensely-used long-term sex slave, instead. The prince is heartbroken, but she’s very much not.

That scenario alone sheds much light on how cerebral shy girls really are, at our core.

When two cerebral shy girls meet and we make it known early on that we’ve read the Sleeping Beauty series, there’s a sense of “hello, kindred spirit.” If you’re a cerebral shy girl, and you haven’t read this series, please do.

Much of the story involves non-consensual sexuality. In a fantasy, that’s fine. In real life, however, consent is essential.

Also, in real life, in practical terms, high-quality girls often tolerate bad behavior from romantic partners because at least there’s the compensating benefit of being in a candid, stark, realistic interaction dynamic. That dynamic often extends to the bedroom — which make it a package deal worth choosing.

However, there is a way to get the benefits, and more of them, without settling for a badly-behaving romantic partner: BDSM.

The real-life fantasy role-play dynamic of the style of the Sleeping Beauty Series is BDSM. This is probably a good time to remind the reader that BDSM doesn’t mean being mean, hurtful or hitting people. It is a cultural context that provides a consensual structure to guide and focus candid eroticism. An analogy might be: it’s like providing a canal for water to flow in a well-planned way, instead of letting it run in whatever direction it might happen to flow, if poured onto the ground. A more-poetic analogy is that BDSM is a distillation of eroticism, as brandy is to wine. And, although it can be very arousing to have this sort of dynamic with strangers, for cerebral, shy girls it tends to be vastly more intense when there’s an emotional connection.

In the above picture I was barely able to suppress a happy smile,  because it was a sexy, fun fantasy role-play session. Normally I’m the person tying up the other girl, but I enjoy the dynamic in either direction. And yes, consensually and safely, of course.

Sample Candidate

I recall a Twitter post of another cerebral shy girl lamenting “I just wanna have some fuckin’ fun” and although I don’t know her personally, for someone intense and with that mindset, this sort of reading material, and pursuing the practical application thereof consensually and safely, might be an enjoyable use of time.

It fits the “just” in her post, as in she doesn’t want it to be a huge production. It certainly qualifies as “fun.” As to the adjective before “fun,” that’s where ambiguity and wordplay come in handy. Either way, the word fits well.

Already Enamored?

If you’re a cerebral shy girl reading this article, and you wonder what’s wrong with you as to why you crave wild stuff in bed — there is nothing wrong with you.  My benediction to you is that you find someone who will appreciate you and interact with you in the way you crave.


Fair warning: although “50 Shades” and the “Sleeping Beauty Series” are ways to whet your appetite, any principles you directly extract and apply might well make for misery instead of joy. These books are fiction, not guidelines.

If you’re a cerebral shy girl, intrigued about BDSM, feel free to contact me and ask whatever you like on the subject. I’m no guru but I underwent formal training to become a professional Dominatrix so I probably understand the subject better than most.

You can keep the dialog as anonymous as you like. As one possible convenient-for-you avenue, if you comment on this article, and provide your contact information so I can reply via email or text message, then the only person who sees that is me, personally — unless I approve the comment for public viewing, which in the case of a “contact me” request I wouldn’t do.

Sweet Does NOT Mean “Fragile in Bed”

IMAG3233I’m a cerebral shy girl, and I like other such girls. I seek them out, or they seek me out. We understand each other. Whether as friends or more, when we treat each other in ways we would want to be treated too, it’s naturally a good fit.

I’ve been involved with just enough non-shy girls to know how stark the contrast is, and it would take someone very special to entice me into a more-than-friends relationship if she’s not also a cerebral shy girl. When using that standard, I’m focused on how the girl fundamentally thinks, even if she has developed social skills that help her deal with outsiders, or even if she has developed a brazen public persona.

I’ve noticed a correlation. A symptom of being a cerebral shy girl tends to be that the girl is genuinely sweet, socially. That helps her deal with other people socially — but then problems can arise in bed due to how the cerebral shy girl is presumed to be in that context.

She might be ready for the other person to bang her like a cheap tin drum (as the expression goes) and she’s saved up vast reserves of intense passion for wild times, but then she discovers to her horror that the other person is treating her like she’s a Disney character or made of fine china, and the sexual dynamic has all the passion of meeting the Queen for a cucumber-sandwich tea party.

Key point: there is NO reason to believe cerebral shy girls are fragile or conservative in bed.


The Wide Range of Cerebral-Girl Activities

This week, a rock band on their East Coast concert tour is wowing audiences. This article was inspired by one of the girls who co-founded that band and sang on-stage this week. Yes, the little brunette. No, she’s not the leader or lead singer. I just personally consider her to be the most interesting.

When I was studying free-market economics, one of the interesting points mentioned was that Albert Einstein and Elvis Presley both contributed to the world, but the income of the latter dwarfed the scientist salary of the former.  The point of the exercise was to ponder whether or not the market was being “fair.”

A lovely solution to the problem would have been if Dr. Einstein had chimed in and said, “No worries, I co-founded and play in a rock band sometimes. The fans love me, to the point where my shows sometimes sell out.”

Maybe that’s more realistic than it seems at first glance. Being cerebral doesn’t preclude reading the market well and tailoring one’s value-adding proposition accordingly. All other things being equal, someone who’s intelligent can solve problems at whatever cultural level he or she chooses.

Fortunately, popular culture does nowadays value intelligence, so if the audience this week knew that the energetic little brunette on-stage was also cerebral, that information would not have detracted. How wide a range her activities span, and what that implies … that might have been surprising.

I’m not suggesting she’s splitting atoms in her spare time, but if you listen to her interviews and read the lyrics of her songs, you get to see a glimpse of someone who is very unlikely to behave like that on-stage persona, in everyday life. In other words, the combination sort of offers the best of both worlds, assuming you value a girl being responsible, serious and cerebral, in private.

One of the classic US Navy air show demonstrations has an F/A-18 Hornet fighter jet flying very slowly past the bleachers yet without stalling.  Then, zoom! Behind the slow-moving jet, an identical airplane blasts by, at very high speed.  Key point: this airplane has a wide range of available speeds.

Applying this to the relevant musician, I watched the “Walk like an Egyptian” YouTube video on the same evening as I watched the video for “Raining” and my head almost exploded when I tried to reconcile the differences. And, yes, I know it’s very much contextual and that some time has passed between when those two songs were recorded — but in the relevant way, people rarely change fundamentally.

One of the interesting developments of late is how the music of the Bangles is moving more back to the early and more-earnest lyrics, such as exemplified in their set list for their 2016 East Coast Tour, and how the tone is more serious … and even so, the cultural gap, the subject of this article, remains huge.  (Yes, that’s a compliment).

The contrast inspired the diagram below. Yes, it’s hard to read. Please click on it to make it open in a large tab or window by itself.



There are many obvious reasons to like the little brunette on-stage … but there are also many more-subtle yet no-less-real reasons to like the behind-the-scenes girl with so much love to give, who is subtly visible in interviews and in what she writes. That she was alone, and felt alone, in the early 1990s … very much doesn’t mean that, on merit, someone like her ever deserves to be alone.

Shy-girl Sexuality in Bed

This article will have a broader context if you first read my article about cerebral shy girls in general, and the standards used when evaluating girls like us.

The same issue applies in bed.  Using average-person standards, the ideal mind-set during bed is to be “in the moment.” So says an article that I have read … though I don’t recall where. The article laments how the minds of cerebral shy girls are often all over the place during sex. We think about past sexual situations that were similar or very different. We wonder about the future, and whether or not the other person will want to have sex with us again, and so on. Supposedly, such thinking patterns make a cerebral shy girl bad in bed.

I disagree.

The best definition of “logic” I’ve read is (and I’m paraphrasing it) that it’s the art of integrating information in such a way as to not contradict anything else already in the person’s conceptual structure. During sex, the cerebral shy girl is getting a wealth of new information, and she intends to file it somewhere — so of course she’s making it fit with everything in her past, and her fantasies, and her expectations as to the future. She’s being admirably logical. That’s how she fundamentally is, and it’s a wonderful thing.

The most amazing times of my life were in bed with another cerebral shy girl (and no, we weren’t shy with each other) but I’ve also occasionally spent time in bed with a guy. I might be enjoying myself including letting my mind do whatever it does. That will include being in the moment part of the time, and going elsewhere much of the time. By average-person standards as I understand them, I’m instead supposed to be concrete-bound and to focus only on sensation. That’s maybe a good recipe for quadrupeds or for other people, but not for me or for girls who think as I do.

Of course, one of the dumb things that a guy can do is to start lecturing me in bed as to how I’m supposed to experience it, or to try to pressure me to experience it in the way he thinks I should. Him being preoccupied with whether or not I’ve attained any particular sensational plateau is a similar mood-killer. It makes me feel so disconnected with the guy that I almost wanna tell him “I’m fine,  focus on your own pleasure and I’ll focus on mine. And please, please, don’t talk because whatever you say will probably ruin my mood even more.”

I’ve found that when two cerebral shy girls are in bed together, the “filing things away” mode doesn’t last forever and gradually things do gravitate towards enjoying the moment and being ever more connected with the other person — and then it’s the most amazing intense experience.

So, ironically, by the best standards I know, the sexiest type of person in bed is … a cerebral shy girl.

Shy-Girl Overthinking, and the Implied Standards

In the 1987 movie titled “The Allnighter” (produced, directed and co-written by Tamar Simon Hoffs) the main character is a cerebral, shy girl. Someone much less cerebral tells her that her problem is: she thinks too much.

This article explores the opposite point of view. And no, I’m not a mental health guru – but nor do I consider this a mental-health issue.

As a rule, I’ve noticed much correlation between girls being shy and being cerebral. (As to shy girls who aren’t cerebral, this article doesn’t apply.)

This article is about, specifically, girls. The times when I’ve made the mistake of thinking that shy-girl mental wiring maps to shy-guy wiring, I found out that it’s much more complex than doing a “he/she” search-and-replace. I don’t understand shy guys so I have no business writing an article about them.

As to cerebral shy girls: we do indeed think things through a lot. When the rest of mankind accuses us of overthinking, that’s understandable: by their standards, indeed we are. But is the problem with how much we think – or with their standards?

Sometimes a cerebral shy girl is told “you’re overthinking” if she’s missing the big picture, missing data, or missing experience. However, is the appropriate corrective action for her to think less – or to think more (e.g., by widening the scope, getting more data, etc.)?

One of the reasons why I like cerebral shy girls so much is that we tend to start out in life by being very benevolent, and often that trait remains as the decades tick by. The benevolence starts early in life. Part of that translates into being trusting of others, and of the standards used by others. The problem comes in when we evaluate ourselves and the rest of mankind using standards that inherently favor those others. Growing up, then, shy girls thus tend to think “there’s a problem with me, but the rest of mankind is basically OK.”

No wonder, then, that the biggest cerebral-shy-girl issues tend to be relative to the rest of mankind. Once we make the mistake of accepting average-person standards for evaluating our basic merit as humans, we’re doomed to view others as better than we are. Our negative self-image will get worse and worse over time, so we’ll feel ever more alone, isolated, misunderstood, depressed — and desperate for social, emotional romantic and sexual interaction. We might focus on trying to land someone from the rest of mankind and we struggle to reshape ourselves for that level of functioning.

Let’s look at some examples as to how cerebral shy girls unfairly tend to evaluate the level of functioning of the rest of mankind to be superior.

Example 1: Average people seem to be outgoing, whereas as cerebral shy girls, we’re often wondering what we’d say in a conversation. Two specific examples are:
– The girl in “Sixteen Candles” planning her conversations in advance, and
– The lyrics of “Eyes of a Baby:”

Had no idea
If I could even talk to a guy
If I could run, if I could leave, if I could hide
You know I would …

Being concerned about being able to carry on a conversation presumes that it actually matters what we say, and that we care about it being interesting and engaging. That sort of thing very much does matter, to cerebral shy girls. By contrast, many people in the rest of mankind would just stumble into a conversation and say whatever happens to be in their heads. Does that make these others superior? I say “no.” I’d rather spend time with a shy girl who’s tongue-tied for the moment because she’s busy thinking up something  interesting to say.

Example 2: People in the rest of mankind tends to seem courageous because they act in brazen ways. However, that compliment doesn’t stand up to scrutiny: Courage, properly defined, involves acting with integrity in the face of fear. Fear, in turn, is an emotion experienced in the face of a specific danger — but if someone is really too clueless to properly identify and evaluate a danger, then they don’t really feel fear and so they’re not really being brave.

As a military analogy, a cerebral shy girl would think for a long time as to how to get through or beyond a mine-field, whereas the average person would probably be a lot more likely to simply chance it, and make a run for it.

Example 3: As to bonding, dating, and sexuality, average people tend to approach it with the same lack of precision with which they approach much else. By contrast, cerebral shy girls tend to feel left out of this blur of activity – perhaps because we haven’t found someone worthy, or we’re taking things seriously and planning them very well, or we’re focused on someone average and the cultural gap is just too wide. As shy girls, we internalize the responsibility for being alone and feeling lonely. However, all that is based on us accepting average-person standards. By those standards, of course we would consider ourselves to be the problem. But, objectively, are we?

As a specific example from “The Allnighter” movie, the cerebral shy girl laments on the absence of a significant romance during her college (and presumably also high-school) years. In the movie, she feels so isolated that she reaches a point of desperation. She dresses up exquisitely to go seduce an older guy whom she hadn’t met until that day. This feeling of desperation is something to which many cerebral shy girls can relate. The lyrics of “Eyes of a Baby” also make reference to feeling isolated and desperate:

I was puttin’ on make-up
Tryin’ to feel pretty
Looked around my tidy little home
Oh, I was tired of bein’ alone.

… and …

Thinkin’ anything is better
Than being alone.

Not-so-surprisingly, the girl who plays the cerebral shy girl in the above-mentioned movie is also the girl who wrote the lyrics of the above-mentioned song.

This particular girl has brilliantly constructed a public rock-star persona that might well be the most charming one in the history of music. She certainly has millions of people enamored with her persona, and deservedly so.

However, this article, and my personal focus, are on the real girl behind the persona, to the extent she allows herself to be seen. If my conclusions are correct, she’s very much a cerebral shy girl, and her lyrics are candidly based on her true thoughts and what’s going on in her life at the time.

Much of the early part of the movie might well be autobiographical too. If so, then using average-person standards, the girl considers herself to be neurotic. Her choice of whom to seduce, and her choice as to a romantic partner … these are also based on average-person standards. This doesn’t bode well. If the girl, and her mom (the producer, director and co-writer of the movie) use average-person standards as the ideal, then the girl will always be considered (and feel) like an outsider, trying to fit in, yet and doomed to failing, since her brain isn’t wired like that. It’s sort of like a swan trying to be a duck.

Indeed, by using average-person standards as the norm, no wonder that the actual real-life shy, cerebral girl ends up feeling undesirable, living alone and feeling lonely. By average-person standards, she indeed overthinks things, is socially awkward, and so on. But, it’s high time to question those standards.

If she ever reads this article and realizes that the standards she’s applied to herself are unfair, my hope is that this will inspire her to re-evaluate herself in a vastly more positive way – past, present and future. Of course, the material I’m using is dated, so the question is: has anything fundamentally changed in her brain structure and premises? From what I read in her writing: no.

Imagine that we were functioning in a society that applied better principles. The most cerebral, thoughtful, considerate girls would be the most valued. As cerebral girls, we would still continually error-check ourselves (one of our wonderful traits) but when we use a fair standard that recognizes and values our strengths, we’d find the resultant self-evaluations positive instead of distressing. Probably with the confidence that comes with being appreciated on merit, we might well be much less shy, too.

In my experience, once a cerebral shy girl is in a safe, friendly, accepting environment, the shyness goes out the window. Imagine how she’d thrive if her entire life were a safe, friendly, accepting environment as such — where she’s not just valued as a perplexing, quirky personality, but where she’s fully valued on pure merit.

I am privileged to have in my life a cerebral shy girl who does evaluate herself using that better standard. Her calm confidence and happiness are a joy for me to observe. This evening, she and I had a light-hearted conversation about this general subject. It was enjoyable for me to hear her explain how, as a more-cerebral person, she considers herself (and emotionally feels) superior to those who, for whatever reason, don’t think as much.

Key point: it’s all about the standards that we apply.

As for me, I had it at least part-way figured out by the time I was mid-way through high school. The most intense girl-crush of my mid-high school days was another cerebral shy girl, who sat next to me in French class. As to being shapely at a time when many girls were becoming curvy, she and I were not. We were both shaped essentially like tree-trunks, yet for me she was the sexiest girl in the entire school. How much I thought about her, and the fantasies I constructed around her — all of that was very intense, considering that I was only fifteen at the time.

Implicitly, I understood the value of cerebral shy girls — though it took me many years to be explicitly clear as to the issue of “which standards do we apply?”

That’s much of the tragedy of being cerebral shy girls: we try to be good people, we try to do the right thing, and we apply what we consider to be the right standards. However, if those are actually the wrong standards, we end up getting a failing grade in spite of all our efforts. We feel perplexed and bewildered. It’s as if we’re carefully checking and re-checking the math on an algebra problem — and even though we’re super-careful, we always get a failing grade. That’s a very distressing situation.

Some might consider us neurotic, with all of those thoughts running around our heads. But, no wonder we’re always thinking — if we keep trying to do the right thing and somehow we keep failing, of course we’d keep dwelling on the issues, trying to do better. That’s hardly a flaw — au contraire.

I hasten to add that the problem isn’t the presence of average people. They have their place in the world, and every right to live their lives however they choose. For purposes of this article, the problem occurs when, as cerebral shy girls, we choose average-person standards to evaluate ourselves, and others, and our relationships with others.

Typically, we might be five, six or seven years old when we commit to these unfair standards, so we probably shouldn’t be too hard on ourselves for making this mistake. However, as adults, it’s important to recognize it as a mistake, to correct it and to work through the implications.

For example, as to the cerebral, shy girl behind the charming public rock-star persona: when evaluated using a healthy standard, the actual girl might finally realize that she is, on merit, fundamentally even more objectively desirable than her public persona. I wish she had a time machine so she could retrofit the resultant pride and happiness to her entire life to date. That’s not to say that she’d have been surrounded by people who appreciate her, but it might well have been very helpful for her to better understand the principles behind the causes of why she was alone.

To be specific: I interpret the lyrics of “Eyes of a Baby” as “I was feeling lonely and undesirable” and not “I’m a serious, good and thoughtful person so it’s perplexing that more people don’t appreciate me.”

I’ve seen several movies re-made, and it’d be fun to re-make “The Allnighter” movie so that the values of the actual cerebral shy girl are generally accepted by society as the standard to apply. The main character, the same cerebral shy girl, would be the nucleus of much positive social, romantic and sexual attention during high school, at college, and beyond – as she richly deserves, by healthy standards.