Shy Girls need to be Loved, just like Everyone else does

 

F-14 Tomcat. Public Domain. U.S. Navy photo by Lt. j.g. Scott Timmester. This aircraft personifies shy girls. Read the last paragraph as to why.

F-14 Tomcat. Public Domain. U.S. Navy photo by Lt. j.g. Scott Timmester. This aircraft personifies shy girls. Read the last paragraph as to why.

Fundamentally, I’m a deeply shy girl. I just hide it well. This article was inspired by another shy girl posting “I am human and I need to be loved, just like everyone else does.” She posted it along with a humorous picture as if a robot were saying this, but I’m focusing on the wording, not the humor.

Yes! Shy Girls Need Love

As to shy girls, yes, we do deeply need to be loved — albeit in a very different way than less-complex humans do.

I’ve long since given up on focusing my personal love life on anyone but another shy girl. If you think that a relationship with one shy girl is a major headache, you might conclude that a relationship dynamic involving two shy girls would be a total disaster. You’d be very much mistaken. It’s the exact opposite.

When understood, appreciated and loved properly, shy girls thrive. There’s harmony, peace, quiet, acceptance, serenity and the joyous security of finally being loved for who we really are, soul-deep.

The “shy girls thrive” would strain credibility were I to elaborate here. Suffice it to say that when we thrive, the drama in our lives properly comes from the sort of high-adventure fun that inspires novels — not from relationship conflict.

As to “loved properly” – I don’t mean this in a bedroom sense. You could mechanically be the world’s most skilled sexual athlete yet you wouldn’t melt a shy girl’s heart. It’s all about the mental connection. Yet, when that exists, the bedroom dynamic takes care of itself. I’ll just point out that we’re not shy when we’re together, and leave it at that.

Outgoing Personas

Some of the most deeply-shy girls have of necessity constructed a charming and uninhibited external persona. The following real-life scenes all feature five deeply shy girls: I’m one of them. I know three of them personally. The remaining girl, I’ve read about so much (with a focus on what she wrote personally, e.g., on Twitter) and observed in so many interviews that I understand her to a sufficient extent to include her in this analysis.

  1. A tall, blonde, exotic dancer dominates the main stage at a large and popular strip club in a large city in Nevada. Male customers crowd the seating area around the stage. They are delighted and enchanted. The girl’s moves are magnificently graceful and seductive. She is casually at ease with the adulation and totally in charge. She is by far the most charming dancer in the club, and the most successful financially without ever sleeping with the manager or any client.
  2. A little brunette stands in tight leggings on high-heeled shoes, holding a guitar. She is center stage, facing an audience that numbers in the thousands, who came to see the band she co-founded. Many came mainly to see her. In a male-dominated industry, she nevertheless succeeded on merit, not by sleeping with anyone.
  3. A tall, blonde, sex worker dominates the stripper pole on the main stage at a large and popular brothel in a large city in Germany. She is wearing a short, skimpy, tight-fitting black dress and six-inch stilettos. She had ostensibly appeared out of nowhere, and had just started to work there an hour before. Her assigned mentor had identified a client to seduce, as a screen test of sorts. Twenty minutes later, the client was enjoying the blonde’s presence in her newly rented room yet with the focus more on interpersonal charm than mechanical sexuality. He enjoyed her company yet they didn’t even end up doing what people in brothels normally do. Having seen enough of what it’s about, the blonde concluded her brothel career a few minutes later.
  4. A little brunette rides in the same elevator as the company president of a massively successful nationwide company. He greets her by name. As she expresses surprise at being recognized, he explains that her magnificent sales record brought her to his personal attention, in a field where being outgoing and charming were major preconditions to the sort of sales records that she was setting. In a male-dominated industry, she nevertheless succeeded on merit, not by sleeping with anyone.
  5. A little blonde is the first point of interpersonal customer contact in a highly successful business in a large Nevada city. She personifies what a receptionist would be at her most outgoing and charming. Whether in person or on the phone, she deals with a continuous incoming river of customers. She is often juggling multiple people and multiple issues, all with aplomb. She is valued on merit, not because of any back-room deals.

Each of these girls publicly appears to be outgoing, superficial and with a sexual sparkle, but deep down, each girl is thoughtful, quiet and highly introspective as secondary attributes of a deep shyness.

Adulation and Compliments

Any adulation she receives is for her public persona; her way of functioning socially and professionally. It is certainly gratifying to know that the public persona continues to win people over, so any compliments are appreciated in that context. After all, a girl has to make money in order to survive. The public persona enables that. However, since the actual shy girl is the near-exact opposite of the public persona, she reads the compliments as “they love this persona who’s the opposite of the real me.”

Compliments about the girl’s aesthetics don’t really register. A deeply-shy girl evaluates herself far more critically, as to her own aesthetics. I recall an email conversation in which one of my shy-girl friends wrote me that she’s so happy that I like her in spite of her aesthetics (even though, ironically, she’s a pretty girl). I replied: “as deeply-shy girls we think we had better compensate for our shyness with our aesthetics. Some of the prettiest girls I know are deeply-shy girls because we try to look extra pretty for that reason. Even so, it never feels like it’s enough.”

Outsiders can try to help but often they enable the public persona instead. For example, my mom soon realized I am painfully shy. In high school, she signed me up for public speaking. I was so nervous that I had melt-downs where I’d get nervous nonstop giggling fits for ten minutes at a time. Eventually, I got the persona going and soon there was a charming little blonde girl talking endearingly about subjects she didn’t understand — yet she always won the audiences over and won every contest. My mom meant well but shy people can’t really be pushed to become less-shy. That just makes it worse.

Even nowadays, my shyness breaks through. If you were recently in the pre-surgery waiting room of a large Nevada hospital, and you saw a tall blonde having a ten-minute nonstop giggling fit, then yes, that was me about to go in for a colonoscopy.

Movie

Arguably, in the shy-girl context, the mom-of-the-century award should go to a mom who made an entire, formal full-length movie showcasing her shy daughter. Her daughter was portrayed accurately (I’m guessing) as the truly shy girl that she actually is in real life. The movie is totally open about the girl’s concerns as to her thoughts (which she describes as neurotic) and her physique (which she tries to improve experimentally by stuffing cotton balls into her bikini top). Fundamentally, I relate to the girl in the movie so well that I cannot help but feel gentle empathy towards her while watching the movie in a present-day context.

As I write this, I have to try hard to imagine how a typical person (specifically, not another shy girl) would experience the movie. Fortunately, the commentary section on various social media websites is useful.  On the subject of the movie, I can get a glimpse of the cluelessness of the general public, based on the various asinine comments.

The point that the movie presumably intends to convey to a general audience is that the girl is intelligent and responsible though shy and socially awkward — albeit less so with friends with whom she has built up a high comfort level over the course of several years at college. When it comes to romance, she is even more shy. The movie is totally open about that aspect too, even showcasing a dramatic failure. Even so, at the eleventh hour, the shy girl ends up saving the day as to a crisis her friends are having, plus she seduces, and starts a romantic relationship with, the hottest guy in the movie, plus she gives a perfect impromptu speech as the valedictorian.

Initially, I focused on the movie superficially, yet I liked it more than any superficial reasons could explain. Finally, I know why: there is another level to the movie. Now that I understand it at its deeper level, it resonates with me, and I consider it very profound: a mother’s gift to her deeply-shy daughter, saying: “This might help you visualize how the ‘real you’ can thrive in ways that currently seem daunting to you. Also, if people consider the main character in the movie to be likeable, that should be reassuring to you since she’s based on a dramatization of the ‘real you’ and not your public persona.”

Perhaps this was all done consciously, perhaps subconsciously — but I think it’s far too good a fit to be a coincidence. The movie may well have helped the shy girl in real life, because a couple of years later she did indeed end up in a romantic relationship that, as far as I know, had several key elements in common with the one in the movie, including as to the type of guy and even the interaction dynamic. In typical shy-girl fashion, she hides her thoughts and story about that dynamic in plain sight, such as in the lyrics of her songs.

Timeline

Shy girls seem high-maintenance but that’s the case only in the sense that a starving person seems ravenous. When first we are understood, appreciated and loved for who we are, we react strongly and for several weeks or months we can’t get enough of this magical dynamic with each other to where our true and complex nature is appreciated on merit as opposed to being classified as a liability. Once shy girls reach that stage, the bonding and intimacy proceed at so fast a pace that it’s like a jet aircraft.

Eventually, though, we reach an emotional equilibrium and then we’re back to where we value our quiet time, our own just-so living space, and our daily routine. We still value quality time with the other shy girl, who is always just a visit, email, call or text away, but it’s no longer a burning need or hunger. It’s just very, very nice. That’s also how and why many shy girls (including myself and some of the shy girls in my life) are poly-amorous and it all works out just fine.

The only perspective I have on this is with a “girl-girl” dynamic since I don’t have insight into, or experience with, anything else, but please feel free to translate this into other dynamics; to the extent it makes sense.

Ostensibly, our “before we find such love” and “after we find such love“ lives seem very similar as to daily routine. The big difference is that we’re no longer lonely. We now have another similar being in our lives, who understands and loves us for who we truly and deeply are — i.e., because of our special nature as opposed to: in spite of it.

Isn’t that an essential part of loving someone … deeply understanding the fundamental nature of the person being loved, and valuing that as a positive trait?

Invitation

If you like my article, and you’re a deeply shy girl, please know that you are welcome to use the comments section and say “hello.” Or, follow and find me on Twitter and say  “hello.”

Using either approach, doing so anonymously and/or privately is perfectly fine — and for now, actually preferred so that you can relax and be open.

And no, you don’t have to be a “rainbow girl.” The shy-girl dynamic begins with friendship — and sometimes there’s eventually more.

PS: As to the main picture: it is of the F-14 Tomcat featured in the movie Top Gun. It’s the perfect symbol for shy girls. It’s exceptionally complex yet with proper attention, it’s a wonderful airplane. It can’t start like a normal airplane: it needs a specialized setup to start it. However, once it gets going, it’s magnificent and very, very fast. It’s significantly faster than the F/A-18 Hornet that replaced it … and the phase-out of the F-14 in favor of the F/A-18 is because the US Navy preferred the maintenance simplicity of the latter. Sooooo fitting an analogy, in so many ways.

 

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “Shy Girls need to be Loved, just like Everyone else does

  1. I am not sure if I am shy or introverted or suffering from years of abuse both parental and peer or physical such as stimulants.
    Many people have come and gone in my life, some I held very dear to my heart and others I worshipped like false idols – all with the same result = abandonment.
    Now, in my late 30s I can count on 1 hand people I could call a “friend” – though these friends still require a few weeks advance notice if I even want to have a 5 minute text conversation. *present company excluded 🙂
    The point is, I don’t know if I am introverted or just a waste of space that nobody wants around. I am happily married with a wife that takes shit from nobody, especially me – so I have to be a good person, being married for 8 years and having 2 children.
    So what does that leave me with? Am I truly looking for friendship in all the wrong places, or are my personal values so low that I cling to the first scumbag that comes calling?
    Maybe I need counseling, which I requested 2 years ago for severe depression and have had no referrals from my doctor.
    I honestly feel like 1 week away from a suicide everyday. So many times I have reached out just to be shot down and rejected.
    I am at a lose for how to go on.

    • Hello Ann,

      Thank you for reaching out. I know it’s extra hard for a shy girl…

      Your journey sounds very difficult. I sympathize. I also empathize … for reasons I won’t go into here.

      As to “I honestly feel like 1 week away from a suicide everyday” … wow Ann, you’re really feeling down … and thank you for being so open about this. This is where a good friend can help about as much as if you have a severe toothache. It’s beyond where amateur effort is appropriate, including mine. So, first things first: here’s the number for the Crisis Call Center in Reno, NV: 775-784-8090. They’re amazing people. A former girl-friend and other friends of mine have worked there, and I’ve been to one of their social functions and met more of their people. They’re intense and dedicated. The Crisis Call Center was founded in 1966 at the University of Nevada, Reno. So, I’m glad that you reached out to me but … please write that number down and keep it with you wherever you go, maybe on speed-dial. And when you need to use it, use it. Perhaps better advice yet might be: use it even before you think you need to use it … at the time you’re thinking along such lines, it may well already be time to call them. Better than needing help with a crisis is to avoid the crisis….

      As to being shy or introverted or both … I almost hesitate to dive into definitions here and now, but perhaps my input is helpful to you at this low point. Ultimately we help ourselves; and at best someone else can help us help ourselves — is my take on it. So if my conceptual building-blocks help you here and now, I’m glad.

      Being shy is, as I understand it: wanting intense social (romantic or otherwise) interaction with someone who will appreciate us deeply — and yet feeling hopeless as to reaching out to others socially, as if it’d be futile sooner or later anyway. As a result the shy person often doesn’t put forth a viable amount of initiative. Whoever wants the shy person in his or her life has to go far beyond the halfway mark, e.g., has to do 95% of the wooing. Most people take this as a sign of lack of interest on the part of the shy girl, and eventually they abandon the wooing effort, which makes the shy girl feel even more isolated.

      Yet another problem tends to be: focusing our affections on those who don’t appreciate us, or how we think, on merit. The courtship might well never succeed but if it does, things don’t bode well for the relationship either.

      Oftentimes the shy person sabotages the efforts of the interested party. A shy friend of mine is like that. I can tell how lonely she feels and I know she wants more than friendship but she’s an expert at undermining the relationship dynamics. The lyrics of “Picture Me” contain the wording “… cook a little scheme to overturn your love.” Only a shy person would think in those terms (and not surprisingly, Susanna Hoffs, the songwriter, is a very shy girl).

      Whoever wants a shy girl in his or her life has to sometimes do more than 100% of the courtship work since the shy girl’s damage first has to be undone, and then the remainder of the work has to be done too — and it might well be that the shy girl isn’t going to help at all.

      This is very ironic since the shy girl really does want to be in a wonderful social (perhaps romantic) dynamic. However, she might feel paralyzed and/or needs to be convinced that the other party really, really wants her in spite of her being so unusual. Perhaps a good cartoon picture for this might be the Princess in the Tower and whoever is climbing up the ladder to rescue her is amazed that she’s shoving the ladder away.

      The net effect, is typically: the shy girl continues to be alone and lonely.

      It takes an unusual set of circumstances to get a shy girl in a setting where she’s approachable. Timing is everything. By the time she’s been worn down to where she’s approachable, she’s typically feeling so down, and so miserably and desperately lonely, that she will be drawn to someone who’s kind and understanding. Ironically, that’s likely not the ideal person whom she has fantasized about as to the magnificent romance she wants, but by then she’s no longer picky and it’s like the personal equivalent of the nautical phrase “any port in a storm.” She might well never leave that new, safe, nice person even though her standards remain high and her fantasies take her focus elsewhere. So you might be tempted to choose that but it’s not an ideal choice, long-term — because someone kind might still not fundamentally understand you, and you might end up feeling bored and lonely deep down inside, even though officially the problem will have been solved because, hey, you’re officially in a relationship.

      The other way this works is when it involves someone who deeply understands shy girls, can spot them and approach them and doesn’t need that narrow window of opportunity. As long as the shy girl isn’t actively focused on someone else, she’s available and the right person will be able to navigate the minefield and get through to her, though it’ll take a lot of energy, resources and patience. Sadly, such individuals (who appreciate and understand shy girls that well) are very rare, as far as I know.

      If you can get on the radar screen of someone like that your odds of being appreciated will skyrocket.

      Being shy IS a problem for the shy person. By contrast, being introverted isn’t a problem. An introverted person simply chooses to be alone sometimes, so as to recharge psychologically. I’m like that. For example, from Tuesday to Thursday I was in LA, visiting people and being a cheerful and helpful tour guide, friend, mentor, and romantic partner (the latter as to my shy-girl girlfriend, whom I traveled to meet).

      By Thursday afternoon, I was still feeling outgoing (meaning, I chose to overcome my natural shyness) and while sitting at the airport waiting for my Southwest Airlines flight, I chatted with a Southwest Airlines pilot. Soon, a second pilot and then a third joined us, then a stewardesses, and pretty soon I was at the center of an informal airline personnel social event. If someone had claimed that I’m shy and introverted, no casual observer would have believed it.

      My flight ended up being canceled, and so I rented a car. The 8-hour drive in solitude back to Nevada was exactly what I needed. On the way home, I stopped to visit a friend (yes, another shy girl) and then I went to my favorite LGBT bar in Reno, which was hopping on the Friday night before the Reno Pride parade. I was the life of the party for several hours, and after that I needed to be left alone for a long time, including almost all day today. My need for solitude today was so intense that, even though I needed to go pick up some prescriptions at Walgreens, I delayed doing so until a few minutes before they closed. Bottom line, if you need some “alone time” to recharge, and in such times you’re alone and you like it, you’re introverted — is how I understand things.

      For example, the shy girl whom I met in LA this week is also an introvert and sometimes (especially in the mornings) she values solitude.

      As to suffering from years of abuse, both parental and peer … I sympathize (and unfortunately, I also empathize). I really don’t like how much of a correlation I personally observe between girls being shy and girls having been abused when young. It’s by now to the point where, when I meet one more shy girl, then out of sheer benevolence, I immediately start hoping that she’s the rare exception as to having been abused. Mostly, the conversation doesn’t go very far and then I hear that she’s no exception. Correlation isn’t causality … but either way it sucks.

      Being a trans girl is another layer of complexity added on top, and sadly from personal experience plus my circle of friends, I learned that being a trans girl and being abused when young are very much not mutually exclusive. So that sucks extra.

      As to stimulants, although I’m NOT a counselor, a former girlfriend and several of my friends are, and from what I hear informally, part of counseling abused and/or trans girls is often to first help with the immediate problem of chemicals that were used to self-medicate.

      Shy girls are often in the same category: in my experience, a shy girl might well end up using chemicals with the intent that she’ll be more likely to be socially outgoing or approachable. The irony is that, to the right person, she’s fascinating even when (actually, especially when) she’s stone cold sober.

      As to many people having come and gone in your life, I sympathize and I relate. There’s much irony here. Being held dear can for many people feel overwhelming and stifling, and then that by itself becomes reason for the person to pull back. When the other person tries to hold on tight, the receding person pulls away more yet. It’s a tragic thing that the mere need for closeness can sometimes destroy it.

      Another problem is that the dynamics that cause a relationship to begin are different than those that sustain it. For example, when I’m in a romance with someone, the experience changes her. When things go well in the dynamic, I lift her up and enable her to move forward. After a few years of this, she might or might not still choose to be with me — or she might decide she wants more than I am OK with, and then I get an “more-or-nothing” ultimatum and I always choose the latter, and then the romance ends. So, I relate to the “people come, people go” experience.

      However, if it was a healthy dynamic then we enriched each other, and our lives are significantly better for us having been together..

      I don’t know if you can make the paradigm shift to my way of thinking but if you can, it might be very freeing because then the standard of success is simply to enjoy high-quality time together, one day at a time — and if the romance ends, then as long as it was a mutual “win” while it lasted, then it was a success.

      The anthropologist Helen Fisher, who wrote the book “The Anatomy of Love,” had been married four times, and an interviewer commented somewhat negatively on that, and asked her what had gone wrong every time. Dr. Fisher looked puzzled and helped the interviewer check the premise that something had indeed gone wrong. Dr. Fisher explained that people change, circumstances change, and sometimes it’s right and proper for a romantic relationship to end.

      As an example, I’ve had some of the most intense and delightful times of my life in my current romantic relationship with the shy girl whom I met in LA this past week. I hope that the relationship will continue indefinitely, but if it ends, then the ending won’t erase all the good things that I experienced.

      As to ending: the pain is intense when one person has checked out while the other one very much hasn’t. I have felt such pain and I have caused it … I wish I had a way to avoid that but I don’t.

      I’m openly poly-amorous and the best relationship dynamics I have are with girls who are also openly poly-amorous. That way, when one person checks out, the net effect isn’t a stark change from 100% to 0%. So if you’re poly-amorous, great – and I hope you live accordingly. For a poly-amorous person to live monogamously or vice versa can make for strained relationship dynamics.

      As to having few friends … as a shy girl, it’s hard to make friends. I sympathize. The good thing is that as a shy girl you’re typically a magnificent human being so if you can find friends who value you for who and what you are, they might well value you very highly and wanna be your friend for a very long time — and perhaps also soon want to be more than friends. Choosing to whom you market yourself is an important point, otherwise you’ll feel unappreciated and that’ll wear down your self-confidence.

      To the wrong people, you are indeed a waste of space that nobody wants around. But they’re looking for a greasy hamburger whereas you’re “filet mignon.” It’s vital to focus on those who will value you properly.

      As an example, if you’re the same Ann whom I know from FaceBook, you have long ago made a terrific impression on me. I consider you a highly complex individual (and that’s always a compliment, from me). You have high standards and you’re creative and you value and share the beauty of life, and I enjoy your posts. I’ve personally done much “what if” analysis to try to find viable ways to elevate the dynamic with you to interpersonal in-person friendship (and maybe more). I haven’t figured out anything viable yet, but perhaps it’s nice for you to know that you’ve been the focus of that sort of thinking.

      I am glad you have been happily married for 8 years and have 2 children, and yet I understand that being married may or may not mean that all of one’s social and other needs are being met in the marriage. Sometimes it makes sense to end the marriage to go find additional happiness elsewhere, yet often it doesn’t.

      As to where this leaves you … after reading my reply here, you might at least realize that you’re not the problem, or “a problem.” You’re an unusual person. Finding someone who appreciates you socially will, by mathematical implication, be more difficult – perhaps impossibly difficult if you look in the wrong places or if you don’t know where to put yourself so as to be found.

      As to the question of “am I truly looking for friendship in all the wrong places” — that’s my take on it, very much so. You have a lot to offer and most people can’t come close to appreciating your intensity and complexity. That’s hardly a reflection on YOU.

      As to “are my personal values so low that I cling to the first scumbag that comes calling?” I think your self-esteem might have been worn down to where that’s the case too. I have some personal questions for you on that subject so please contact me on FB privately if you’re the same Ann as on FB. And if not, please let me know and we’ll find a way to connect and converse privately.

      As to “Maybe I need counseling” — typically by the time someone thinks they do, they do.

      As to “which I requested 2 years ago for severe depression” – oh wow, Ann. I sympathize. Being shy, feeling lonely and suffering from severe depression can all go hand in hand. Then again, severe depression can also sometimes have a chemical cause, and it’s clear to know what type(s) of severe depression you have, so that you can proceed accordingly to manage that. I sympathize …

      As to “have had no referrals from my doctor.” Please message me privately for my input on that.

      As to “so many times I have reached out just to be shot down and rejected” — it sucks and it hurts, and it cuts deep when you’re a shy girl since it takes so much to reach out.

      As to “I am at a loss for how to go on” … I sympathize greatly. Feeling as if every avenue has been exhausted is a desperate place to be, emotionally. Not to be superficially cheerful but on pure merit … you really do have a lot to offer socially. Just how you wrote this post shows a complex and sensitive mind at work. The fundamental problem here is the “pearls before swine” issue. You’re high-quality enough to where the generally clueless populace doesn’t know what to make of you. It’s like being overqualified when applying for a job, and not getting hired. So, a good fix here is, ironically, to greatly improve your standards to where you interact with those who are worthy enough to appreciate you.

      Does this help? If not, please point out where I’m falling short.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s