Fundamentally, I’m a deeply shy girl. I just hide it well. This article was inspired by another shy girl posting “I am human and I need to be loved, just like everyone else does.” She posted it along with a humorous picture as if a robot were saying this, but I’m focusing on the wording, not the humor.
Yes! Shy Girls Need Love
As to shy girls, yes, we do deeply need to be loved — albeit in a very different way than less-complex humans do.
I’ve long since given up on focusing my personal love life on anyone but another shy girl. If you think that a relationship with one shy girl is a major headache, you might conclude that a relationship dynamic involving two shy girls would be a total disaster. You’d be very much mistaken. It’s the exact opposite.
When understood, appreciated and loved properly, shy girls thrive. There’s harmony, peace, quiet, acceptance, serenity and the joyous security of finally being loved for who we really are, soul-deep.
The “shy girls thrive” would strain credibility were I to elaborate here. Suffice it to say that when we thrive, the drama in our lives properly comes from the sort of high-adventure fun that inspires novels — not from relationship conflict.
As to “loved properly” – I don’t mean this in a bedroom sense. You could mechanically be the world’s most skilled sexual athlete yet you wouldn’t melt a shy girl’s heart. It’s all about the mental connection. Yet, when that exists, the bedroom dynamic takes care of itself. I’ll just point out that we’re not shy when we’re together, and leave it at that.
Some of the most deeply-shy girls have of necessity constructed a charming and uninhibited external persona. The following real-life scenes all feature five deeply shy girls: I’m one of them. I know three of them personally. The remaining girl, I’ve read about so much (with a focus on what she wrote personally, e.g., on Twitter) and observed in so many interviews that I understand her to a sufficient extent to include her in this analysis.
- A tall, blonde, exotic dancer dominates the main stage at a large and popular strip club in a large city in Nevada. Male customers crowd the seating area around the stage. They are delighted and enchanted. The girl’s moves are magnificently graceful and seductive. She is casually at ease with the adulation and totally in charge. She is by far the most charming dancer in the club, and the most successful financially without ever sleeping with the manager or any client.
- A little brunette stands in tight leggings on high-heeled shoes, holding a guitar. She is center stage, facing an audience that numbers in the thousands, who came to see the band she co-founded. Many came mainly to see her. In a male-dominated industry, she nevertheless succeeded on merit, not by sleeping with anyone.
- A tall, blonde, sex worker dominates the stripper pole on the main stage at a large and popular brothel in a large city in Germany. She is wearing a short, skimpy, tight-fitting black dress and six-inch stilettos. She had ostensibly appeared out of nowhere, and had just started to work there an hour before. Her assigned mentor had identified a client to seduce, as a screen test of sorts. Twenty minutes later, the client was enjoying the blonde’s presence in her newly rented room yet with the focus more on interpersonal charm than mechanical sexuality. He enjoyed her company yet they didn’t even end up doing what people in brothels normally do. Having seen enough of what it’s about, the blonde concluded her brothel career a few minutes later.
- A little brunette rides in the same elevator as the company president of a massively successful nationwide company. He greets her by name. As she expresses surprise at being recognized, he explains that her magnificent sales record brought her to his personal attention, in a field where being outgoing and charming were major preconditions to the sort of sales records that she was setting. In a male-dominated industry, she nevertheless succeeded on merit, not by sleeping with anyone.
- A little blonde is the first point of interpersonal customer contact in a highly successful business in a large Nevada city. She personifies what a receptionist would be at her most outgoing and charming. Whether in person or on the phone, she deals with a continuous incoming river of customers. She is often juggling multiple people and multiple issues, all with aplomb. She is valued on merit, not because of any back-room deals.
Each of these girls publicly appears to be outgoing, superficial and with a sexual sparkle, but deep down, each girl is thoughtful, quiet and highly introspective as secondary attributes of a deep shyness.
Adulation and Compliments
Any adulation she receives is for her public persona; her way of functioning socially and professionally. It is certainly gratifying to know that the public persona continues to win people over, so any compliments are appreciated in that context. After all, a girl has to make money in order to survive. The public persona enables that. However, since the actual shy girl is the near-exact opposite of the public persona, she reads the compliments as “they love this persona who’s the opposite of the real me.”
Compliments about the girl’s aesthetics don’t really register. A deeply-shy girl evaluates herself far more critically, as to her own aesthetics. I recall an email conversation in which one of my shy-girl friends wrote me that she’s so happy that I like her in spite of her aesthetics (even though, ironically, she’s a pretty girl). I replied: “as deeply-shy girls we think we had better compensate for our shyness with our aesthetics. Some of the prettiest girls I know are deeply-shy girls because we try to look extra pretty for that reason. Even so, it never feels like it’s enough.”
Outsiders can try to help but often they enable the public persona instead. For example, my mom soon realized I am painfully shy. In high school, she signed me up for public speaking. I was so nervous that I had melt-downs where I’d get nervous nonstop giggling fits for ten minutes at a time. Eventually, I got the persona going and soon there was a charming little blonde girl talking endearingly about subjects she didn’t understand — yet she always won the audiences over and won every contest. My mom meant well but shy people can’t really be pushed to become less-shy. That just makes it worse.
Even nowadays, my shyness breaks through. If you were recently in the pre-surgery waiting room of a large Nevada hospital, and you saw a tall blonde having a ten-minute nonstop giggling fit, then yes, that was me about to go in for a colonoscopy.
Arguably, in the shy-girl context, the mom-of-the-century award should go to a mom who made an entire, formal full-length movie showcasing her shy daughter. Her daughter was portrayed accurately (I’m guessing) as the truly shy girl that she actually is in real life. The movie is totally open about the girl’s concerns as to her thoughts (which she describes as neurotic) and her physique (which she tries to improve experimentally by stuffing cotton balls into her bikini top). Fundamentally, I relate to the girl in the movie so well that I cannot help but feel gentle empathy towards her while watching the movie in a present-day context.
As I write this, I have to try hard to imagine how a typical person (specifically, not another shy girl) would experience the movie. Fortunately, the commentary section on various social media websites is useful. On the subject of the movie, I can get a glimpse of the cluelessness of the general public, based on the various asinine comments.
The point that the movie presumably intends to convey to a general audience is that the girl is intelligent and responsible though shy and socially awkward — albeit less so with friends with whom she has built up a high comfort level over the course of several years at college. When it comes to romance, she is even more shy. The movie is totally open about that aspect too, even showcasing a dramatic failure. Even so, at the eleventh hour, the shy girl ends up saving the day as to a crisis her friends are having, plus she seduces, and starts a romantic relationship with, the hottest guy in the movie, plus she gives a perfect impromptu speech as the valedictorian.
Initially, I focused on the movie superficially, yet I liked it more than any superficial reasons could explain. Finally, I know why: there is another level to the movie. Now that I understand it at its deeper level, it resonates with me, and I consider it very profound: a mother’s gift to her deeply-shy daughter, saying: “This might help you visualize how the ‘real you’ can thrive in ways that currently seem daunting to you. Also, if people consider the main character in the movie to be likeable, that should be reassuring to you since she’s based on a dramatization of the ‘real you’ and not your public persona.”
Perhaps this was all done consciously, perhaps subconsciously — but I think it’s far too good a fit to be a coincidence. The movie may well have helped the shy girl in real life, because a couple of years later she did indeed end up in a romantic relationship that, as far as I know, had several key elements in common with the one in the movie, including as to the type of guy and even the interaction dynamic. In typical shy-girl fashion, she hides her thoughts and story about that dynamic in plain sight, such as in the lyrics of her songs.
Shy girls seem high-maintenance but that’s the case only in the sense that a starving person seems ravenous. When first we are understood, appreciated and loved for who we are, we react strongly and for several weeks or months we can’t get enough of this magical dynamic with each other to where our true and complex nature is appreciated on merit as opposed to being classified as a liability. Once shy girls reach that stage, the bonding and intimacy proceed at so fast a pace that it’s like a jet aircraft.
Eventually, though, we reach an emotional equilibrium and then we’re back to where we value our quiet time, our own just-so living space, and our daily routine. We still value quality time with the other shy girl, who is always just a visit, email, call or text away, but it’s no longer a burning need or hunger. It’s just very, very nice. That’s also how and why many shy girls (including myself and some of the shy girls in my life) are poly-amorous and it all works out just fine.
The only perspective I have on this is with a “girl-girl” dynamic since I don’t have insight into, or experience with, anything else, but please feel free to translate this into other dynamics; to the extent it makes sense.
Ostensibly, our “before we find such love” and “after we find such love“ lives seem very similar as to daily routine. The big difference is that we’re no longer lonely. We now have another similar being in our lives, who understands and loves us for who we truly and deeply are — i.e., because of our special nature as opposed to: in spite of it.
Isn’t that an essential part of loving someone … deeply understanding the fundamental nature of the person being loved, and valuing that as a positive trait?
If you like my article, and you’re a deeply shy girl, please know that you are welcome to use the comments section and say “hello.” Or, follow and find me on Twitter and say “hello.”
Using either approach, doing so anonymously and/or privately is perfectly fine — and for now, actually preferred so that you can relax and be open.
And no, you don’t have to be a “rainbow girl.” The shy-girl dynamic begins with friendship — and sometimes there’s eventually more.
PS: As to the main picture: it is of the F-14 Tomcat featured in the movie Top Gun. It’s the perfect symbol for shy girls. It’s exceptionally complex yet with proper attention, it’s a wonderful airplane. It can’t start like a normal airplane: it needs a specialized setup to start it. However, once it gets going, it’s magnificent and very, very fast. It’s significantly faster than the F/A-18 Hornet that replaced it … and the phase-out of the F-14 in favor of the F/A-18 is because the US Navy preferred the maintenance simplicity of the latter. Sooooo fitting an analogy, in so many ways.